The cool stuff:


Where should I begin with this one?

Perhaps I should start as Harley Poe do. With one of the sloppiest and frankly random mish mash of half thought out ideas ever to be recorded. “Vengeance The Demon/ Close The Door/ Outcry” is the musical equivalent of the shouting drunkard. He has potential to say something unique and different but in the end it all sounds like nonsensical garbage. If you can’t even decide on a title for a song, how can you decide on the content? The organ parts have the great timing and structure of a high school band. None. I mean, if you’re going for the whole amateur band on an amateur label thing, that’s cool and totally doable, but you need to sound like you mean it. There’s no real feeling here, it simply sounds like a vain attempt to prove they’re cool.

Passion and feel; that sound is born into you and your music. You cannot just read Edgar Allen Poe’s “Best Of,” pick up an instrument and suddenly be transformed into a modern day bard. I can hear the talented writer rolling his eyes at your band name as I type, thinking, “I love EAP and you have brought shame to his family name.”

There is a potential here though, it isn’t all negative. The attempt at a song like that shows balls, but maybe you should have rehearsed it before recording it, hey? And maybe your label should have listened to the record or your band before releasing this drunken masturbation of a record. That’s what it’s like. A drunken fuck. You know both of you want it, but after eight minutes of trying she’s left in an angry huff with tears rolling down her face because she doesn’t feel attractive and you’re sitting there with a limp dick in your hand questioning your life up until this point. Well guess what? That dick is not getting hard any time soon.

I couldn’t even bear to sit through the entire first track. After five minutes of what, to me, sounds like a group of teenagers drunk on their dad’s beer playing in their grandma’s basement, I could tell it was not going to improve. You really have to wonder at the quality of a record label if this is the example of material they choose to endorse/sign.

I sucked up my anger and ventured further more into Pagan Holiday. After all, I did hear potential.

I then came into “Gorehound,” another cliché hell-themed song from yet another cliché hell-themed band. At least this one is a little more together in terms of musical timing and structure. It also has some sense of melody. However, at the end of the day it remains among the already astounding amount of songs of this nature. Have you heard a rockabilly song in the past ten years about Hellhounds? Yeah? Cool. You don’t need to hear another. The horror-themed band has been done to death and I can name local guys doing it better than you are.

I know it sounds like I’m ripping on Harley Poe unjustly, and I would say, “Go buy the record to prove me right,” but there are better independent bands out there doing their hardest and most honest work that deserve it more than these guys. Go listen to the two-minute previews on iTunes and give your money to a good Australian Rock n Roll band instead – or someone from your town.

I have to admit, at this point it was hard to bring myself to continue with this record. Looking at the next title, I already knew what I was in for: Halloween Theme Song…fuck me in the ass with a bag of bullshit clichés and yet more half-assed attempts at imagery. Could you imagine a bag filled with these things? Then you have more imagination than Harley Poe does, and you, Sir, should start a band.

Now we come to what I like to call the “Are you fucking Serious?” section of the record: “Pagan Holiday Parts 1,2,3.” If I hadn’t have heard the first track I would not believe this possible. It’s the same half-assed attempt at some sort of prog-horror-rock, only this time instead of being eight minutes long, it is 13 minutes long. I mean, come on! Did you even hear your first track? Do you not learn from your mistakes? Seemingly not. After reading some not so positive criticisms of Harley Poe it seems they fail to impress most people, which leaves us with two questions: What kind of bullshit label would sign this and how can Harley Poe be so apparently blind to the world’s thoughts?

I know what you’re saying, “Fuck the critics, fuck me, fuck you. I like this band…” Well Mister, you’re the only one. I’m all for not pleasing us (the critics) which ironically pleases us, but when you’re Harley Poe you should probably pay attention to what people are saying about your music. Just because your mom says you’re cool doesn’t make it so.

“Mom, does playing the mandolin and simply re-writing Poe stories make me cool?” “Yes Jimmy, out of all your loser friends with that weird makeup on who hang out in graveyards and watching old obscure horror films, you’re the coolest.” I don’t know if there is a Jimmy in this band and honestly I don’t care.

I could not be bothered listening to the next two tracks, until I read the name of the next one and almost died from a fit of hysterical angry laughter. Harley Poe, ladies and gentlemen, have somehow managed to dig themselves into the pit of despair even deeper than I thought they could. They covered “Paint It Black.” Can I say anymore? It’s a great song, yes. That, like Harley Poe’s style has been DONE TO DEATH! They don’t even have an original take on it. Just the same recycled cliché garbage you’ve heard before and most likely will hear again. That being said it’s the best song on the record, probably because it was written by people who know what they are doing.

If you can’t tell, I cannot stand this record. It’s a waste of resources and energy. It’s an amateur band on from what I can tell is an amateur record label. There’s only so much leeway for a label to allow a bad record. Did they not think of the money they were wasting? Surely they did not expect to break even on this. How about the precious time of people who actually want to give this a go. This is clearly a label run by those with the mentality of, “Everyone can have a go. Just give it a shot and we will waste everyone’s time and resources by pressing the pile of shit you make into a record.”

After all this naysaying I still hear the potential in this band to be something more than a mediocre goth/horror/prog garbage act. Sadly, I don’t think it will happen unless they listen to some criticisms or go back to being an independent act. This gets a 1.5 in my book. .5 for trying, another .5 for effort and another .5 for attempting to make some music. Overall it’s the critical equivalent of a red star sticker, or an “A for effort” award at school, but a big “F for execution and delivery.”

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  1. David Madison // March 23, 2015 at 12:42 pm // Reply

    Perhaps I should start as Rock Revolt do. With one of the sloppiest and frankly random mish mash of half thought out ideas ever to be called a review. This review is the equivalent of the shouting drunkard. Overall it’s the critical equivalent of a red star sticker, or an “A for effort” award at school, but a big “F for execution and delivery.”

    • Yes let’s do start like Rock Revolt in it’s entirety do and say, “How bout a big “F” for F**K you and an “A” for A**HOLE?” We laughed so hard at this review that our ribs still hurt – going on almost two years later. The fact that you still care about what is being written about this band (what’s their name again?) is demonstrative of your musical tastes. We happen to love our “shouting drunkard” who is one of our most gracious reviewers. He is a musician himself, so is more prone to writing stellar reviews rife with gushing adjectives. In this case, between the music and beer…this review happened. And we ran with it. Get over it – or get the fuck out. Thank you.

  2. Bill Hylander // March 23, 2015 at 12:23 pm // Reply

    A little less personal opinion and a lot more professionalism would go a long way for the writer of this, mindless ranting claiming to be a review. Most people know how to pocket their bias after a few high school English classes.

    • Wow…this band is still around? We’re just excited that someone has gotten this upset over an album that came out almost two years ago and where is this Harley Poe band now? We stand by our mindless, ranting writer and his opinion. Everyone has one. As to whether you consider it professional or not – quite frankly we give not a single fuck. How’s that for professionalism? This is a hard rock magazine. If you can’t play in the pit…get the fuck out. Oh and not playing shitty music would go a long way for getting a good review as well. This is one of two of the hundreds (if not thousands) of albums reviews that we’ve done that we just let our writer rip them a new one. /vlk

  3. Valerie King // November 8, 2013 at 1:07 am // Reply

    Well now now, Ash…I must take some responsibility for the misspellings in Rob’s review (if there are any – who really cares? Oh wait, you do!). You see, I edited this piece and quite frankly, I couldn’t see through the tears of laughter while doing so. Normally, I am very meticulous about my editing duties, but halfway through the 2nd paragraph, I decided to put about as much effort into the editing of this piece as this label or band put into the recording of this album. Rob is one of our best writers, and if you look back on his many reviews, this is the lowest rating he’s ever given. As a matter of fact, I believe he was actually irate with this assignment because this band, “KILLED HIS BUZZ.” Furthermore, we take offense at you saying that it took him 3 hours at his mom’s PC to write this. He was at his big boy house of his very own in Australia (where he trains attack kangaroos and shit) and it took him an entire 23 minutes. I asked. But thanks for your critique. 🙂

    • Good. You can take your buzz and shove it up your juvenile ass. Are you 14? Pathetic.

    • I bet your favorite band is Nickleback. Mr. Austrailia has too much time on his hands anyways. He’ll never be as good as David Thorne. Tell him that.
      Are you from Indianapolis? Let’s meet up. Come to Georgetown Market. And actually its funny how your dumb magazine has not very many more likes on Facebook than Harley Poe.

    • Oh and why don’t you people come up with some real critques instead of just saying random bullshit about them as people. That’s not a review, it’s slander. You are acting like you’re in a reinactment of Mean Girls. Cut the shit.

      • Connor Williams // November 8, 2013 at 8:03 pm // Reply

        Mean Girls is a great film! With that aside, as a band you should be more accepting of a negative review rather than positive ones. I know writers who are forcefully positive but once a band gets a bad one they go apeshit. Bands should accept this and learn from mistakes to make improvements for the next release.

        Harley Poe has 3,648 likes. RockRevolt has has 4,794 likes. That’s 1146 more, so I’m not too sure how you define us “Not many more likes” than you…

  4. You sir, are a tyrant. You misspelled the word “they’re” at the very end of one of your pathetic paragraphs of highschool ranting. Get off of your fucking high-horse. How’s your health? I am quite certain that your body does not appreciate your sitting down at your mother’s PC for 3 entire hours trying to think up a book worth of hate-spitting.

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